Banned from Coles, didn't like shopping there anyway
Yesterday I was at my local Coles buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had - an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 10 kilo's before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff a Rottweiler's arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says "Hello!"
He's rather taken aback because he can't place her.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had attended 10 years ago.
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Test for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Test consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
The Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never
Came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
I got overtaken on the highway last week by a 3-legged chicken. It must have been doing at least 150km/h, then turned down a farmer's driveway and out into the paddocks.
"Bloody hell!" I exclaimed, "I have to check this out."
So I drove down the farmer's driveway and pulled up at the house. I knocked on the door and the farmer opened it.
I said "I've just been passed by a 3-legged chicken on the highway, and it came running down past your house here."
"Yes" he said, "I breed 'em."
"You breed 3-legged chickens?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Yes" he said again. "You see we love our roast chicken dinner's here. My son really enjoys a leg, my wife likes a leg and I also like a leg. But with the standard 2-legged chooks one of us has to miss out, that's why I breed the 3-legged variety."
"Wow, that's amazing" I said. "What do they taste like?"
"No idea" he said, "I've never been able to catch the bastards."
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, the angel tells them that there's only one space left that day, So the Angel must decide which of them gets in...
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down, then wee�s into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wee's into a Toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair every time no matter how big they are!
A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times and bought a Pajero."
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
I bought myself a new Ferrari last week. Boy she goes like the clappers. Anyway a couple of days ago I was driving down the Geelong Freeway when I passed a cop with a radar gun. I was speeding a bit and knew he would come after me. Sure enough he did, blue and red lights appearing in my mirror.
"Well I've got a new Ferrari, he won't catch me in that old Commodore." I said to myself.
So I tramp it and get up to 150km/h.
I look in the mirror and the cop is right behind me, so I tramp it again and get up to 200km/h.
Again I look in the mirror and the cop is still right up my arse. So I give it everything and get up to 250km/h.
I checked the mirror and the cop is right behind me and he looks extremely pi@#$ed off.
"Ah s*%t!" I say and then pull over.
The cop walks up to my window and says "Look, it's 10 minutes until the end of my shift and the paperwork for this kind of speeding will take a long time. If you can give me an excuse that I've never heard before I'll just give you a warning."
I thought for a second then said "Well sir, last week my wife left me for a policeman."
"So what's that got to do with you speeding like a lunatic?"
"I thought you were trying to give her back!"
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died � Muldoon was beside himself with grief.
He went to Father Patrick the local parish priest and asked�..
�Father me dog is dead! Can ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?�
Father Patrick replied�.�I�m afraid not, we cannot have a service for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane and there�s no telling what they believe�.maybe they�ll do something for the poor creature�.
Muldoon says ..� I�ll go right away Father, do ya think 5000 pounds is enough to donate for the service?�
Father Patrick exclaimed �Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, why didn�t ya tell me the dog was Catholic�.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes
and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best,
but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting
in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another
20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
you're mine.'
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive
you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot... they "didn't have a pot to
piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and
complain because the water temperature
isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
June. However, since they were starting to smell...
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it... Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could mess up your bed. Hence,
a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit
the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in the pot nine days old.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them
feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home
the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to
leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests
got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.
The combination would sometimes knock the
imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them
for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running
out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins
and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the
grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night
(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell;
Thus:
Someone could be, saved by the bell
or was considered a dead ringer.
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said history was boring!!!
A little guy is sitting in a bar when a thug comes in and smacks him in the face and says "thats karate from Korea"
After the little bloke recovers and again is sitting up the thug comes back and hits him in the face again, that's "Kung Fu" from Japan.
This time the little guy crawls out of the bar and comes back about half hour later and creeps up behind the thug and hits him knocking him out cold, the little guy turns to the barman and says, when he comes to tell him that was "Shovel" from Bunnings.
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
Sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or
Anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!] 9
Million are retired.
That leaves 11 million to do the work.There are 7 million in school,
Which leaves 4 million to do the work.
Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2
Million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied
With finding Osama bin Laden.
Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work. Take from the total the 1million
People who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000
People to do the work.
At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000
People to do the work.
Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to
Do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your @ss, at your computer,
Reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.
Tony
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Edited by on 24-11-2011 21:05
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